It's been a while

So, it's been a while since I've been back. Every once in a while, I like to deny the whole situation, so writing about it doesn't help with the denial part.

In the past four months, my dad's condition has gone to the brink and come back again. He was losing weight quickly and against all odds. He had signed a DNR many years ago that would have prevented the use of a feeding tube, so we all thought, "This is IT." Well, last month, shortly after his 60th birthday, he started gaining weight again. What a yo-yo.

Friends and aquaintences make comments like, "Well, that's great! It's good to hear that he's improving!" But I ask you this: Is it? This is a non-reversable disease, people. The man has been fighting for 20 years! He has made his peace some time ago with leaving this earth - in fact, he wants to go. Why draw this out for so long? Any improvement that he makes marks another day, week, or month that he will have to go through again to reverse the improvement. This may sound callous, but it is so hard to see him incapacitated the way he is, unable to speak, unable to make any controlled movements, just sitting there with his head lolling about as he coughs and sputters.

For his birthday, I contacted many of his old friends from college and his early career days. I asked them to send me an email or a video message to him, which my husband compiled onto a DVD. It's neat that he can watch it over and over again, but I think that it was an even better gift for my siblings and myself. There are not many people left in this world who remember my dad as the person that he was, not the stranger that this disease has made him into. It was good to hear people talking about what kind of a man he was - what he did well, what they used to laugh at him for, how he treated those around him. It helps me fight the biased image I have of him in my head.